Lola, producer, and host of Sex Ed A Go-Go
David Wraith: What makes your sex life amazing?
Lola: I’m at a place in my life where I feel more comfortable in my body and it’s ability to be sexy while naked, and I’ve gotten better at choosing who I share that with. I’m still a big ol’ slut – I use slut to describe myself in the most loving way- but the quality of my partners, lovers and fly by nights has changed. In learning to love myself I’ve learned that all of that confidence can be shot to hell by an awful partner. I’ve taken more time to learn about my body and what turns me on. I know how I like to be touched and I know how I don’t like to be touched. I’m still working on being able to communicate those things, but the more I flex those muscles the more it adds to my confidence. Feeling truly sexy and having someone see the energy I radiate and worship and appreciate me because of it makes all the kinds of sex that I have amazing.
What’s your advice for fat women who what to improve their sex lives?
Learn to love yourself and your body with abandon. It’s not an easy task. It took me 35 years to get here, but the sex I have now is palpably different from the sex I had when I was younger because I spend less time being awful to myself and worrying about what a lover will think about my body. If you love yourself and your body, it ultimately doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.
Please, please, please take the time to learn how your body works and receives pleasure. I wasted too many years thinking I was broken because I thought there was only one way to achieve orgasm. Thankfully there are a lot of amazing educators out there helping folks learn about their bodies and ways to bring pleasure into our lives via classes and books. My own experiences with those educators are what inspired me to do this work and it has been transformative.
How do you feel about the way fat women’s sexuality is portrayed [or ignored] in popular culture?
I hate that being fat is treated as a novelty. The fat friend is never the sexy friend. If they are it’s only for a moment and it’s because they got a makeover. I know plenty of gorgeous, hot, sexy, amazing women who just happen to be fat. Being fat isn’t a plot device. It’s a body type. Yes, being fat comes with its own set of struggles, but so does being extremely thin or really tall. My fatness never stopped me from dressing sexy, meeting people, hooking up, or having loving relationships. The stigma, shame, and persecution that surround fat bodies, however, did make those things difficult. I would love for that to be what gets portrayed. I’m tired of it always being a battle with the scale. Let’s talk about how unfair it is that designers flat out refuse to make clothes for bigger bodies. Let’s talk about how fucked it is that we’re told to work out and laughed at when we do. It’s time we see fat bodies doing all of the things we are quite capable of doing especially when it comes to sex. I’m fat. I have hot sex. Let’s show that.
Speaking about diversity at Catalyst Con, you said you don’t want to be anybody’s token black girl or token fat girl. Is “token fat girl” a thing?
It most definitely is. It’s that sexual passport mentality. Thinking if you sleep with one black girl or fat girl it somehow makes you a better more diverse person. It doesn’t. I’ve also been invited to spaces where I was the only fat girl. Those moments felt so similar to being the only black person in the room. Walking into a space that touts itself as being diverse and realizing you’re the diversity. It’s tiring.
Can you describe your career as a sex educator, and explain Sex Ed A Go-Go to the uninitiated?
My career I multifaceted, I work in a sex toys boutique called SHAG, I teach workshops, speak at events and I produce and host Sex Ed A Go-Go. My work at the boutique is arguably the most important thing I do. I spend every day helping people feel more comfortable in their skin simply by picking out a new toy. I educate those who need it, I listen, I normalize conversations about sex, and I do all of that as a retail associate in a cute little shop in Brooklyn.
I love speaking and teaching workshops because it gives me a chance to talk about things I’m passionate about and for people to see and hear a fat, knowledgeable woman of color talking about pleasure and sexuality that many times has nothing to do with my body type or race. I get to be a beacon of permission and representation which are both important to me.
Sex Ed A Go-Go is my passion project. It’s a live sex q&a and go-go show. I invite a guest and a go-go performer to sit in on a panel that I’ve nicknamed The Pussy Posse. We talk about love, sex, relationships, the world around us and we do it in an entertaining and fun way. I’d like to think that I’ve created a space where folks can come out to be entertained and ask the questions they may be too embarrassed to ask anywhere else. The audience can write down and submit their questions anonymously and enjoy a drink and a little shimmy and shake. It’s a good night.
Sex Ed A Go-Go takes place once a month at Otto’s Shrunken Head in New York. Check out SexEdAGoGo.com for dates and ticket information. You can listen to the Sex Ed A Go-Go podcast on iTunes, Swingset.fm, and the Swingset App for Android.
Hey, are you a fat woman with an amazing sex life? Wanna talk about it? Holla atcha boy [davidwraith at yahoo dot com], if you’d like to be featured in a future post!