photo from howardstern.com
Most of you may not have heard of him, but he was a brilliant comedian and he was on the cusp of being a huge star. It’s so fucking sad that he died before more people got to hear his stuff. The guy is fucking hilarious.
Some of his best jokes…
- I like cinnamon rolls, but I don’t always have time to make a pan. That’s why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. Perhaps I’d rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.
- I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store oftentimes I will drop it, so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.
- I opened up a container of yogurt, and under the lid it said “Please Try Again” because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong…or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me, ‘c’mon, Mitchell, don’t give up. Please try again. A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top.
- I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
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- You know they call corn on the cob, corn on the cob, but that’s how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that corn, they should call every other version corn off the cob. It’s not like if you cut off my arm you would call it Mitch. Then reattach it and call me Mitch-all-together…
- I like swiss cheese. It’s the only cheese you can draw with a pencil and identify.
- I got an ant farm. Them fellas don’t grow shit.
- I went to the store to buy a candle-holder, but they were out. So I bought a cake.
- I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
- Last week I helped my friend stay put. It’s a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.
- I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.
- I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. “Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide…”
- I wrote a letter to my dad – I wrote, “I really enjoy being here,” but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it so I crossed it out and wrote, “I rarely drive steamboats, dad – there’s a lot of shit you don’t know about me. Quit trying to act like I’m a steamboat operator.” This letter took a harsh turn right away…
- One time a guy handed me a picture of himself, and he said, “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture of you is of when you were younger. Here’s a picture of me when I am older. You son of a bitch, how’d you pull that off? Let me see that camera…
They did a memorial on him on NPR the other day. They played a hilarious clip of a bit he did about ‘why would you need a receipt when you buy a donut?’ So funny.
“I give you the money, you give me the donut: end of transaction.”
Oh Mitch, we hardly knew you.
Possibly you’d need a reciept if the donut were being reimbursed by your company.
(I’m on a business trip in England, so I’ve been asking for reciepts for all sorts of transactions that I would normally throw away the reciept from)
and of course it isn’t near as funny in type on the screen – his delivery was priceless.