Fuuuuuuuuuuck

Last weekend was really rough. My ex, Christy had called me on Tuesday to find out if I was taking a date to Wall Ball that Saturday, because she was going and was worried about the possibility of seeing me with another woman. I told her I was going alone.

So, Friday morning I found out that I have received a grant to make a documentary. This is pretty huge for me. Christy was pissed at me that I had neglected to tell her that I had made the final round for the grant, so I made sure to call her as soon as I heard I’d gotten it. She was insanely happy for me. It was then that I suggested that since we were both going to Wall Ball the next day that we could meet up there and hang out. It was then that she told me that she was taking a date.
Now, although she had been trying to keep it a secret from me, I had known that she was seeing someone for weeks. She seems really happy lately and I’m happy for her. I was upset that she went out of her way to make sure I wasn’t bring someone and neglected to tell me that she was. I also felt like a class A idiot for asking if I could hang with her. Five minutes after finding out about the most significant advance ever in my career as a filmmaker, it was like the grant had never happened. All I could think about the rest of the day was what a fool I’d made of myself. I didn’t even tell anyone else the good news until I got home from work.

Saturday I went to help my mom pack up things from her house (the house I’d grown up in) and discovered that there is a very good chance that she will lose the house. That was fucking depressing. Then came this really awkward decision of what to do with my Saturday night since I was too embarrassed to go to Wall Ball. My roommate was having his engagement party that night so I figured that would be a good face saving excuse not to show up, but a few blocks away from the party I got really upset and decided I wanted to be alone.

Sunday I was taking care of my niece Brionna for the first time. I was petrified of having this responsibility. A week prior Christy had said she wanted to hang out with us, but that shortly after telling me she was taking a date to Wall Ball she also told me she’d forgotten she had plans with someone else for Sunday and couldn’t make it. So with 48 hours notice, I was now going to be on my own to care for a 4 year old for an entire day. I took Brionna with me to visit my dad. My dad lost a lot of weight since I last saw him and that really worried me.

I took Brionna home, helped her with her homework and after she insisted on dancing to ABC by the Jackson Five, got her into her pajamas, tucked her in kissed her goodnight. This was easily the highlight of my week.

Fast forward passed a pretty crappy job hosting this week’s slam and an exhausting shift selling beer at Mardi Gras where I actually threatened to punch a belligerent, drunk customer in the throat, to Saturday night. Tonight was the last show of the season for my friends The Non Prophets. I always invite Christy first and allow her the option to decline before I ask someone else. I had asked Christy two weeks ago if she wanted to go and to my surprise she said yes. About a week ago she asked if her best friend Dana could go and I said sure and made an extra reservation. I was really looking forward to seeing Christy even with all the shit that had happened last week. So, a couple hours before the show, she calls me:

Christy: Should we all go together, or should me and Dana just meet you there?

I say we should go together. We always go together.

Christy: Okay. Well me and Dana might go to the Diner afterward but you can come with us if you want.

Wow. Gee thanks. We always go to the Diner together after a Non Prophets show.

Christy: Dana’s not feeling too well so we may have to leave early, but I’m sure you can get a ride home with someone else.

Now, I invited Christy to something I was doing, but after planning this for two weeks it all of a sudden felt like I was a third wheel tagging along with her and Dana. By the time I was dressed and on my way to Christy’s apartment she’d called me to tell me that since she and Dana needed some alone time, they wanted to meet me there, after all.

So I go to the show by myself and sit alone for half an hour until they show up. Once they get there one of the first things Christy says is, “I was this close to canceling on you.” Thanks. I can tell this will be a fun night.

I know what you’re thinking, she’s your ex girlfriend, why are you still hanging out with her? Well, we remained friends and we still do a lot of things together. I hang out with her in addition to the other women I was seeing and my other friends and we had a very healthy relationship as friends that would have been impossible as boyfriend and girlfriend. Added to which, I care about her a great deal.

Maybe I deserve this, maybe this is payback for all the shit I put her through and I’m okay with that. But I refuse to set myself up for disappointment by trusting her.

One thing I’ve learned in the past seven days is that I can’t depend too much on anyone. This is not to say the people are undependable and it’s a cruel world or any self righteous bullshit. Just to say that I grow too dependent on people and people have their own lives and their own problems and this is a habit I need to break. Whether it’s my mom losing her house, my dad being sick, my roommate getting married or my ex finding someone else and suddenly treating me like shit, I have to learn to grow the fuck up and take care of myself.

I need to toughen up. Relationships have made me soft. Prior to me and Christy breaking up, I probably wasn’t single longer than a few weeks in the previous five years. I just don’t want to turn cold again. I was an unfeeling, emotionless, Vulcan muthafucka when I was younger and I don’t wanna go back to that. But I was never a wear-my heart-on-my-sleeve kinda guy, so it’s really disappointing when I let people get to me.

In closing: fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.