The Tea Party Is Not Racist Enough Say America’s Racists

At a rally scheduled to coincide with 9/12 celebrations across the country, the nation’s largest pro-racist lobby, the American Racist Action Bureau (or ARAB) broke its long silence on allegations of official connections to the Tea Party Movement.  

Appearing before a burning cross while holding a hangman’s noose in one hand and a copy of The Turner Diaries in the other, Hezekiah Jenkins, former member of the Harlan County, Mississippi Tea Party and current press liaison for ARAB, made a brief statement and then fielded questions from the press. “First, let me set the record straight. We severed all ties to the Tea Party months ago, due to the timidity with which they deployed racist tactics and their inability to attract more racists. Look at the numbers they draw to their events and compare that to the number of incidents of racial violence and the amount of shouted racial slurs. It’s disgraceful, if you ask me.”

Jenkins laughed off allegations that Tea Party protestors display racist signs, “Barack Obama as Hitler? Is that a joke? What self respecting racist would compare a Kenyan Muslim with such a revered historical figure and icon of the White Power movement? I was offended by that sign my damn self.” However, Jenkins swells with pride when questioned about signs depicting Obama as an African witch doctor. “Yeah, my cousin Jeb, he’s cracker-jack with that Photoshop CS4.  He’s trying to launch a side business doing photo retouching. But this is my point; he was kicked out of his local Tea Party for making that sign. Think of all the freelance work that would be coming his way if the Tea Party was as racist as ya’ll accuse.”

Finally, when asked if there were any racists in the Tea Party, Jenkins became openly defiant, “Lookie here, I’m sick and tired of the Jew-run media trying to paint racists as a monolithic group in lockstep behind a single racist agenda. Racists are a diverse collection of individuals.  Some of us want all blacks and Mexicans to go back where they came from, some of us are fine with them so long as they use separate drinking fountains, bathrooms and eating establishments. Some just don’t want their son or daughter to marry one and produce mongrel children. But we respect each other’s differences.”  

He went on to say, “Of course a small percentage of us would allow the Tea Party’s stance on welfare and immigration to overshadow its pathetic track record on racism, but these are individuals, they do not represent all racists. I mean, come on now, I’m not gonna let one black guy not breaking into my car affect how I feel about all black people, right? That wouldn’t be fair.”