I’m such a fucking jerk

So, I just got off the phone with Don’t Answer Girl. She’d been calling me all weekend, but I’d lost my cell phone which is the only place I had her phone number. She thought I was avoiding her which turned out to not be the case, this time, but given our history together, it wasn’t and unfounded assumption on her part.

Anyway, she’s lost her job and was in danger of losing her apartment and just wanted to talk. Here’s the thing, I think she’s in love with me. She didn’t come out and say it in so many words, but she said that, as much as she hates me, she would go crazy if she ever lost me. She said she was even thinking about moving out to the suburbs when her lease was up just to put some distance between us.

This is all a shock to me, even though it shouldn’t be. It honestly never occurred to me that this girl that I basically torture might have feelings for me. She told me that she has never put up with half as much bullshit from another guy as she puts up with from me. I knew that, but I always thought that she put up with me because the sex was good.

She pretty much told me tonight that she thought I avoided her because I thought she expected sex every time we saw each other, and that it wasn’t about that, that she just wanted to be with me.

I feel like such and idiot. I knew that when I was engaged last year, and she had to put up with me talking about my fiancee all the time that she got really jealous, but since I broke off my engagement in January, it just hasn’t crossed my mind that she really felt anything for me until this conversation.

I apologized to her for the way I treat her, but reminded her that if she continues to deal with me, she’s gonna get hurt. I feel like a real asshole, but deep down I know nothing is going to change.

I’m going to see her tonight. I promised I’d be nice to her for at least one day.

God. My roommate is like the straightest most normal guy in the world. He has this new girlfriend and yesterday they went to the zoo together and they came home absolutely beaming about the zoo. They’re such a cute couple. They’re so normal and wholesome. I envy him. I don’t think I can ever have that. My love life is just kinda destined to be dark, evil, complicated and wrong.