2011: The Year of the Hater

It seems like my haters are coming out of the woodwork lately. But here’s the funny thing: they’re not coming out of the woodwork to hate on me. They’re coming to wish me a happy birthday, ask about attending parties that I’m hosting and even to give me free t-shirts. I’m discovering that maybe I don’t have as many haters as I thought. I just hate a lot of people. So I guess that makes the biggest hater of all… me.

We have seen the haters and they are… us.

I’m not naïve. There’s a reason why many of the people I was formerly at odds with are going out of their way to be nice to me lately. My profile has risen in the past year (mostly due to my work with SEX+STL) and they want to be part of my life again. That doesn’t even bother me. It’s this revisionist history of acting like it’s all good between us when it isn’t. I would respect them more if they acknowledged the issues between us and tried to move beyond them, rather than pretend they didn’t exist. Why act like the elephant in the room isn’t an elephant in the room?

2011 has taught me how to deal with difficult people without sacrificing my dignity or decorum. I’ve learned that the best way to handle a hater is to be honest, direct and consistent; to know my facts and stick to them and to refrain from name-calling, editorializing and exaggerations. I wish my haters all the best, I honestly do and I give them credit when credit is due. Just because I don’t like someone doesn’t mean they’re always wrong. Even a busted clock is right twice a day.

I’ve also learned that, while I have my haters, a lot more people love me and even more respect me. And while it’s natural for the squeaky wheel to get the grease, I invest entirely too much time and energy on the small percentage of people that I’m at odds with. Like Kat Williams says, if you have 700 lovers, you’re bound to have 70 haters. That’s just your tithe.

So I have declared 2011, “The Year of the Hater.” And guess what, haters? Your 365 days of fame are almost up. May you and I find better things to do with our time in 2012.

“I’m so gifted at finding what I don’t like the most. So I think it’s time for us to have a toast.”

Big ups to all my haters!

Here’s a toast to all the men who’ve raped women I care about, those who will never see the outside of a prison wall (Hi Brandon!) and those still walking around free (you know who you are). May you learn the error of your ways and begin the long road to recovery in 2012. And mad respect to all the women who have survived your abuse and kept on moving.

Here’s a toast to the unfaithful wives in ostensibly monogamous marriages who seek to use me to cheat on their husbands, and then kick dirt on my name when I don’t take the bait. May you and your husbands find good counseling or at least good lawyers in the new year.

Here’s a toast to those who question my integrity and have very little of their own. May you realize that you’re bringing a knife to a gunfight.

And finally, a toast to all those who talk shit about me behind my back. You really should Google me. Not only am I the easiest man to find in St. Louis, but I’m also my mother and my father’s son. I will run all up in your spot if I have to.

I’ve given my haters a lot of shit today. Seems like the least I can do is play them a song…